How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
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‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Who.
Did.
This?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Friday
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.