“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
You Might Also Like
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?