“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
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Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..