How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
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literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats