How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
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WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope