“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
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NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?