“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Natty or not?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”