me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
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I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt