@KentWGraham: How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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@omgthatspunny: My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.
@itsdivbaby: when i hear fat people say that they've made mistakes, i always think to myself, "yeaa...at the grocery store."
@lazerdoov: I bought "extra whitening" toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English