[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
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HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.