How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
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Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.