How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
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[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.