My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.