@NervousJr: How can you waste food when there are starving children in...ew onions.
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@msbtx: "Snitches get stitches," I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.
@ThaJawn: Hipster: Check out my mini.. Me: *snatches and eats Hipster:.. Bonsai tree Me: *swallows* It's alright for a veggie Hipster: Me: anymore?
@FattMernandez: For my niece's 7th birthday, I'm filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I'm gonna yell "Oh God! She was pregnant!"