@NervousJr: How can you waste food when there are starving children in...ew onions.
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@pstamato: Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.
@WeissBrandon: Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most? Me.. F... M.. F.. Me: the pilot
@XnotafunnyladyX: Apparently I have a few "tells" when I'm angry. But I light things on fire when I'm happy too so don't pretend you know me.
@LMHPhotog: Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun!