Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
You Might Also Like
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all