Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
My plans: 2020:
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it