How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
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Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once