How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite