How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.