How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.