How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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The Assassin.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*