@michaelianblack: How come my wife can't hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?
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@Reverend_Scott: "Hi, I'm calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist." It's heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It's definitely not a horse.
@internetluke: [showing my family to coworker] This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack. "You named your daughter Jack?" Nope, mittens
@CornOnTheGoblin: you're suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn't taste like orange? me: not even a little bit your honor
@DeanB15: I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied "No, you got that from your mother". :(