it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
my professor scared me for a second
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
The best plant holders?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳