@junejuly12: How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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@FrenulumBreve: [Man in restaurant] I'll have that lobster please. *points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
@jackmackenroth: People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
@PinkCamoTO: I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
@1_swarthy_dude: Her:[watching sunset]"Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo.." *crunching sounds* Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]