How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
You Might Also Like
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Quadruple digit IQ
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My time has come.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*