How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email