How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail