How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
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Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
This is hilarious….
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.