@zeugirdorej: How come Noah didn't just slap those two mosquitoes?
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@Elizasoul80: First date Him: What do you do? Me [pulls out a Victoria's Secret catalog that I've clearly glued photos of my face into] "I'm a model."
@conanobrienswyf: All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
@Bandersnaaatch: When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
@IamJackBoot: At this late date, the only way I'm gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.