How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
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I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
that colleague who touches your screen
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
so weird how every mom was born today
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.