My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
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Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Banana is the quietest snack
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
i would wish you the best but i am the best
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
#oldknees
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Any refunds available?…
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Thank you corporation very cool
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be