@avaricious1: How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.
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@TheCatWhisprer: Dr: I'm giving u a proton-pump inhibitor Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER? D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
@Paxochka: Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
@shutupmikeginn: women love to see the veins in a man's arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
@caliraingirl: 'Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?' --my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car