@lilpwoppa: How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.
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@XplodingUnicorn: I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say "no."
@TheBoydP: "I'm too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time" ~Management
@iwearaonesie: *runs into the back of wife's leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time* me: We meet agai- wife: Go wait in the car me: Ok
@KindOfASmartass: If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?