Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
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Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
concern
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
*offers Batman cough drops*
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Have a lovely day 😊
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.