How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
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I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz