“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…