How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
When you’ve simply given up.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.