@CatherineLMK: How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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@badAzz_mom: If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you're talking to someone else on the phone.
@kolchak: Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word "girl" with "gerbil".
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter. Me: This isn’t going to work out.