How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Aight bet
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
i could never be president. im overqualified.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Squirrels before girls.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.