@CatherineLMK: How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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@Mom_Overboard: Cop: You there! Hands over your head! Me: *raises hands* *30 avocados fall out of shirt* Cop: Holy guacamole!
@weinerdog4life: Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
@AimeeHelene1: If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
@KateWhineHall: Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.