HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Hamburger Hinderer.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.