Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
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Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Sending in my taxes
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri