How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
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“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.