I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
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[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.