I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
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Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.