How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
We’re all getting idioter.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
guys i’ve cracked the code
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.