How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake