“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
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Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
As the Lord intended
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
*updates tinder bio*
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.