If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers