I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…