the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
That’s easy for you to say
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
This hospital has everything
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)