I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
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I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.