@JllyJllyFish: How dare room service question "how many people" I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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@LackOfShame: Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
@PinkCamoTO: I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
@ericsshadow: [at a bar] "I'm meeting my friend Dan" big Dan or Dan who's never has money? [door swings open] HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK
@LosLos__: HR: You said: You're "moist" welcome? Me: Autocorrect. HR: You're fine. Me: Sweet! HR: I meant: you're fired. Autocorrect.