How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
The happy life.. 😊
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate