@jwoodham: "How dare you accuse us of cheating?" said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.
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@AnitaHelmet: Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I'm guessing it's because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers.
@zachreinert03: I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can't kill the same people as the other guy
@whatmaddness: INTERVIEWER: what's a skill you want to improve? ME: to realize when someone isn't talking to me JOE: uh...Excel
@AsiaDMO: The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you're hungry.