Every. Damn. Time.
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.