[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
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Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores