How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
We found love in a hopeless place.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My inexpensive home security system…
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were